Sunday, September 11, 2011

WARNING: The Heiress may brake heart and inflict severe damage on your brain. Watch with handkerchief and caution.

  It was one of those Saturdays that demanded TCM be turned on (if you don't know what TCM stands for I'm ashamed of you). So being obedient people we flipped to the wonderful channel. It was a Montgomery Clift marathon day. We should've known better than to watch any of his films, they're slightly depressing. Ok, they're really depressing. But how could I resist the beginning-of-an-old-movie music? And the roaring lion? I couldn't. Anyway I'll stop boring you and get on with the reasons you should never, ever watch The Heiress.

1. It has good acting-
Normally I count this as a good sign. But when the movie is horribly depressing it is a very bad, bad thing. 

2. They make you like the characters-
At the beginning she's a sweet woman who has absolutely no social understanding and an absurdley large amount of money. He is a man with an horrible hairdo and a charming personality-a fatal combination. Their meeting place is a crowded ball where she is set on impressing her father with her social skills. Of course, she butchers the whole thing and he's a sweet heart about it... even with his horrible hairdo. The point is you like both she and he. You want them to get together. And.... and you'll see.

heiress.png (320×240)

3, They get engaged in the first 20 minutes of the show-
This is when I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. They're supposed to secretly (did you hear me movie writer's... SECRETLY.) like each other. Then some misunderstanding comes that seperates them and freezes their thriving relationship. Then they figure out what happened and forgive each other. Then they get engaged... at the end of the movie. Let me say that again; at the END of the movie.

4. He's a jerk-
Ok, so your secret suspicion has been right all along. He was courting her just for her money. Just for her money! When her father "disinherits" her because he doesn't approve of their relationship he abandons her. He is a jerk. I strongly dislike him.

5. She turns into a bitter, stiff, rich woman-
Her father dies. She refuses to go to his funeral. She is cold. She is cruel. She is nasty.

6. He comes back-
...with a mustache. He begs her forgiveness and gives a weak explanation for his leaving. He couldn't let her lose her inheritance. She informs him that it was actually a test. He proclaims he had know way of knowing... I strongly dislike him. Anyway, she eventually tells him that she can love him once again. They plan to get married that night and he skips away to pack... I strongly dislike him. As he leaves those fateful steps she locks the doors and draws the curtains. When he returns and finds that the door is locked he pounds on the door, screaming her name. She walks up the stairs ignoring the pitiful cries, taking a lantern with her that leaves him in darkness.

The end.


Never, ever watch it.